


Truth

by Sara_Ellison



Series: Aftermath [3]
Category: Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Grief/Mourning, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-16
Updated: 2013-02-16
Packaged: 2017-11-29 11:36:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/686527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sara_Ellison/pseuds/Sara_Ellison
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two friends grieve together, and certain truths come to light.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Truth

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this before "Aftermath," then stopped in the middle (because I do that) and wrote that, then came back and finished this...

The door chimed.

The man in the chair did not answer, did not stir from his seat. He continued staring at nothing, not seeing the room before him, and absently raised the glass of whiskey to his lips.

He put it down again without drinking as the door chimed a second time. Leaning forward in his chair, he rubbed his eyes tiredly. "Come in," he muttered.

The doors parted with a soft _hiss_ , admitting an older man. He nodded a greeting at the man in the chair, who nodded back.

"Mind some company, Jim?" the older man asked softly. Jim shook his head and gestured to the chair opposite his. Wordlessly, he poured the other man a glass of whiskey, which was accepted silently.

Minutes passed. Neither man spoke, not daring to be the first to touch a shared, still-open wound. The silence weighed down upon them like a lead blanket, smothering them.

Finally Jim stirred. He shifted in his chair, looked at his friend, and quickly looked away again. Setting his glass down on the table between them, he took a shaky breath and whispered, barely audibly, "I miss him, Bones." A tear squeezed its way out of the corner of his eye.

Dr. McCoy leaned forward and squeezed Kirk's hand, then let it go. "I know," he murmured. "I do too."

"I--I don't..." Kirk paused, took a deep breath, and continued. Having broken the silence, he could no longer stop the flood of words he'd kept bottled up. "I don't know what I'll do without him, Bones. He's always been there for me. Always. You won't find a better officer in Starfleet, ever. Nor a better friend."  He swallowed hard and looked McCoy directly in the eye. "I loved him."

Kirk felt a great weight lift from his shoulders as he said the words. He had carried it as a secret, carefully guarded, for years. It was a great relief to finally share the burden with a friend. It wasn't as though it could hurt anyone now.

At the same time, a small voice in the back of his mind cried out in fear. Was it too soon? Perhaps he should not have admitted it. McCoy might not understand. Had he inadvertently caused the end of not one, but both of his greatest friendships? He found himself praying that McCoy would misunderstand his meaning, interpret his statement merely as a reference to the love a man might have for his best friend and nothing more.

The silence had begun to press on them again. McCoy was gazing levelly at Kirk. At last he spoke. "I know."

There was no doubt. Kirk knew from the tone of his friend's voice that McCoy knew exactly what kind of love he felt for their deceased friend. Relief flooded over him, soothing the frightened voice and silencing its cries. McCoy did not judge him for his feelings. Their friendship would continue, as strong and solid as it had ever been.

Encouraged by his friend's unspoken approval, Kirk continued. "I never got to tell him," he blurted. "I meant to...I mean, I suppose I did. But I never thought--" His voice broke and he paused to wipe more tears from his eyes. "I never thought I wouldn't have a chance," he whispered. "I always thought, 'Now isn't the right time. I'll tell him how I feel tomorrow.' And then the next day, 'I'll tell him tomorrow.' And then...there was no more tomorrow." He found himself unable to go on. No sound emerged from his lips, but his shoulders shook with silent sobs and the tears continued to fall.

McCoy shifted in his seat, uncertain. In light of his friend's confession, he felt obligated to share his own secret. By the same token, however, he was afraid to do so lest he hurt Kirk even more. It might be like pouring salt into the wound.

Kirk was looking curiously at McCoy now. "Bones?" he prompted. "What is it?"

"I think he knew," the other said slowly, picking his words with care.

"What? How?" Kirk demanded, sitting up straight. "Did he say something to you about it? Why didn't you tell me?"

"No, no, nothing like that!" McCoy reassured the captain. "At least, he never said so in so many words," he amended.

"Bones, what are you getting at? Spit it out." Kirk was growing impatient.

"Remember that inauguration ceremony on Altair VI?" McCoy began.

Kirk frowned. "No...we missed the ceremony, Bones, remember? And got permission afterwards to go to Vulcan..." His voice trailed off as he sank into reminiscence.

"Exactly," McCoy confirmed. "He was very upset about having almost killed you--if a word like 'upset' can be applied to such a coldly logical being."

A dry chuckle escaped Kirk at that, but there was little humor in it. The smile that briefly touched his mouth did not reach his eyes.

"Remember how he grinned when he saw you?" McCoy continued, smiling slightly at the memory. "I swear, Jim, I thought he was going to dance with glee!  That would have been something to see, all right."

Kirk tried to smile again, but his eyes filled with tears once more. "What's your point, Bones?" he demanded gruffly.

Bones resigned himself to a full confession. "Well, after that whole debacle, after he thought he'd killed you, I figure he must have been thinking, what if that happened again? And, well, he came to my quarters that night, and started talking about volcanoes."

"Volcanoes?" Kirk echoed.

Bones nodded. "He was talking about pressure building up underneath the surface, and how you can let it out in a giant explosion that might kill some folks, or more often in smaller eruptions that are a lot safer for everyone concerned. And he wanted my help...he said how because I was the doctor, I had to help him relieve the pressure..." He trailed off, red-faced.

Kirk was staring at him, open-mouthed. "And you did?" he breathed.

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to tell him, McCoy reflected, but he nodded. "Ever since then, we've had an arrangement. He would come to me regularly, and I would go to him, when...whenever I needed to. When Yeoman Barrett broke up with me...Spock was there. We grew very close because of that. We kept it hidden from everybody."

"But...you always bickered!" Kirk protested. "You always had, and you still did after that. If you had this relationship, why...?"

Bones smiled wryly. "People would have asked questions if we'd suddenly stopped our daily verbal duels. Afterwards, he'd always apologize to me."

"Spock? Apologize? He always argued from logic, and he would never apologize for being logical."

"Not with words," Bones answered, and blushed harder. "Anyway. He said things, a few times, that made it seem like he'd have rather been with you than me."

"Really?" Kirk sat forward. "What did he say?"

Bones shrugged. "Things about how he couldn't approach you because you were his superior officer. And you, if you were interested, couldn't approach him because he was your inferior. And something about how there were all those women in your life. I think maybe he was a little jealous, Jim."

Kirk groaned and put his head in his hands. "Oh, Spock," he lamented, "why didn't you just tell me how you felt?"

McCoy couldn't think of anything to say to that. He leaned forward and squeezed his friend's shoulder.

"I swear, Bones," Kirk continued, "if I had one more chance, just got to see him one more time..." He fell silent.

"What, Jim?" Bones prompted him.

"I would tell him I love him," Kirk said decisively. "I would go straight up to that God damned cold logical Vulcan and tell him he can't pretend he doesn't have a heart anymore, because I _love_ the bastard."


End file.
